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Am I Wrong To Be Upset That My Boyfriend Still Sleeps In The Same Bed As His Ex, And Other Advice Column Questions

Am I Wrong To Be Upset That My Boyfriend Still Sleeps In The Same Bed As His Ex, And Other Advice Column Questions
This week, a boyfriend who dismisses his partner’s concerns about his ex as “an argument about furniture,” a retail worker considering going to a customer’s home uninvited and a parent who wants to keep treating their daughter as a “filter-free” outlet.
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There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.


Am I Wrong To Be Upset That My Boyfriend Still Sleeps In The Same Bed As His Ex?

My boyfriend of two years still lives with his ex, the mother of his children. When we met, he explained the situation was complicated, and I accepted that it would remain so for some time while he sorted out how to fully extricate himself and truly be with me. Obviously, two years have passed, so I'm losing hope on that front, but I haven't given up yet (sue me!). However, I'm writing about a specific matter of disagreement between us. He still sleeps in the same bed as his ex. This really upsets me and I think he should sleep in a bed recently left empty by one of his children going to college. He says that this is unnecessary as there is no intimacy between them. One time he said to me during yet another argument on this, "Some might say this is an argument about furniture." Am I in the wrong here, or am I right to be upset about this?

[The Cut]

Emily Gould urges the letter writer to dump their boyfriend. "Belittling your extremely reasonable request that he stop sleeping in the same bed as a woman he's supposedly no longer in a relationship with is simply unacceptable behavior," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.


Should I Use Information I Got Through My Retail Job To Call A Nice-Looking Customer, Or Try To Run Into Her Near Her House?

I am a mid-50s male, retired early and work part time at a retail shop in their "order online, pick up in store" desk.

A few days ago, I was waiting on a customer who went on and on about how his wife orders online, how he has to pick it up and... While he was talking a nice-looking woman came up (40s-50s years old?) and waited. We made eye contact and she rolled her eyes about the guy talking on and on and I kind of rolled my eyes also.

As the guy was done checking to make sure he got everything and started to walk away he said something about "I hope your wife doesn't do things like this to you." I said "I am single, I don't need to worry about it." The lady stepped up to the area and said "I am single too, maybe we should have coffee or something sometime." I said "sure," all while I scanned her phone, the package she picked up from the bins, and printed the receipt which took a very short amount of time. She then walked away. As I had another customer walking up I really couldn't ask he to come back to the counter to ask more questions.

So, she gave me the invitation to get together, that is the good news. Bad news is she personally didn't give me any contact information. Good news is I have her account information with name, address, and phone number. Do I use this information to call her? Or because it is actually the store's information I have access to I shouldn't? Or, I checked her public social media profiles and it says she is single, so I thought about going to the area around where she lives and conveniently running into her as I do have her address, is this creepish/stalkish?

[Paging Dr. Nerdlove]

Harris O'Malley forbids the letter writer from getting in touch with the customer. "She did not give you consent to try to find her by any means necessary," he writes. "This is an astoundingly bad idea on many levels, with a near-certainty that it's going to go horrifically wrong for you, messily and all over the place." Read the rest of his answer.


Do I Have To Censor Myself After My Adult Daughter Asked Me To Stop Making Negative Comments To Her?

My 29-year-old, fully independent daughter recently told me that she does not wish to hear negative comments from me: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I am the retired senior director of a large multimillion-dollar firm with two postgraduate degrees. I successfully managed hundreds of employees over the years and undertook extensive, complaint-free personnel management, staff development and mentoring.

I have a forthright personality and am used to speaking my mind directly with family, due to years of having to be politically correct in the office. I raised my daughter to be a strong, successful career woman. I am at a loss now that I must be politically correct all the time.

I know you will probably tell me I am in the wrong, but as I am now in my late 60s, I am tired of having to self-censor. I have done it for so many years and in so many professional and social settings. My daughter was one of my only "filter-free" outlets.

Do I just suck it up, smile, shut my mouth and stop being me? Or do I need to pay a therapist to listen to my invective?

[UExpress]

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin point out that the daughter's stated boundary doesn't qualify as censorship. "Perhaps your daughter is so successful because she learned from you how to maintain cordial business relationships," they write. "Now she is doing you one better by recognizing that family deserves the same respect, if not — brace yourself — even more." Read the rest of their answer.



How Should My Son And I Handle My Niece, Who Has Tattoos, Facial Piercings And Underarm Hair, At My Son's Wedding?

I have a 25-year-old niece, "Meadow," who embraces the hippie lifestyle. She's kind and sweet and loves everyone. She has also opposed "the Establishment." She's heavily tattooed and has several facial piercings and thick underarm hair.

My son is the complete opposite. He is in the business world and is very professional in his manner and dress. He's getting married in three months to a lovely girl. Meadow is invited because she wanted to come. My son is nervous about her coming to the wedding. He doesn't know Meadow that well. They were close as kids but haven't seen much of each other in adulthood.

My son is worried Meadow will wear an outfit that will display the tattoos and her bushy underarm hair. He's afraid she will be a spectacle, and her appearance will become the focus of the wedding and not his lovely bride. He's also worried someone will ridicule or comment about Meadow, and he will then have to defend her, causing a disruption. None of us are close to Meadow or feel comfortable with her appearance. How do we handle her presence at the wedding?

[UExpress]

Abigail Van Buren observes that it would be terrible to disinvite Meadow from the wedding. "If someone comments on her appearance, I'm sure it won't be the first time she has heard it," she writes. "As to her upstaging your son's bride, that won't happen if Meadow is seated at a distance from the altar." Read the rest of her answer.


What Should I Do When My Sister-In-Law Hints That I Should Give Her And My Brother My House?

My mom was a hoarder. In her will, she left her house to be split between me and my brother. The city condemned the house and while it had great bones it needed a lot of cleanup and work.

My brother and his wife rent but they have small children and zero interest in working on the house. They wanted to sell their share, so I bought them out totally by the book. I did some scary refinancing and poured my life into the house for the next 18 months. I got on a first-name basis with the guys in local scrap metal businesses, tons of city workers, and everyone on home repair subreddits. I applied for every tiny obscure cleanup or sweat equity grant program there is. I ended up hiring 12 dumpsters overall. My friends and co-workers donated time and skills, and I got a tetanus shot and a broken arm, but the house is gorgeous.

My brother and his wife were understandably very busy with their kids but never so much as helped plant a shrub or paint a room. I love it and it's the type of old beautiful house I could never have afforded without this. Since I still need to balance my budget, I'm bringing my two long-time roommates with me as renters when our lease ends. My sister-in-law recently saw the house for the first time and she won't stop hinting about how it would be such a better place for the kids to grow up, how I can't possibly need that much space as a single woman, and how it's a waste to have renters when it could go to a family with kids. It's never anything outright enough that I could say no, but it's nonstop and my brother doesn't join in but won't stop it either. How do I shut her down?

[Slate]

Kristin Wong encourages the letter writer to talk to her brother and prepare some straightforward responses for the next time her sister-in-law starts dropping hints. "If she keeps it up, tell her directly that her comments make you uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if she didn't keep bringing it up," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.


Is The Significantly Younger Nigerian Man I Met On Social Media, Who Rarely Responds Except When I Mention Money, A Scammer?

I have let myself get involved with a significantly younger guy. To make matters worse, I'm married. In my defense, before I even started talking to this other guy, my husband and I had come to a place in our marriage where we were more like roommates than husband and wife. We didn't even share the same bedroom (which was his decision). He never showed me affection of any kind. We spoke to each other, but that was it.

I started socializing with men on social media, and I must admit I did get taken by a scammer for $12,000, which I shouldn't have never let happen. But I have met this great guy on another site. He lives in Nigeria and is younger than me. I know Nigeria has a bad track record for scammers, but this guy really doesn't seem like he would be into that stuff.

As for my husband... I care for him and don't want to keep hurting him but my love for him isn't the way it should be. Yet, I can't bring myself to leave him.

The guy in Nigeria begs me to fly to see him. We FaceTime each other and talk on the phone so much and text each other when he's not working. We are constantly on the phone — or we were, anyway. Lately, I have noticed that often I text him, call him or FaceTime him, and he doesn't respond back. Then finally, three days later, he will text back and ask when am I flying to him. I question him on why or what happened I haven't heard from him. His answer is always that he's been busy working. I've noticed that whenever I mention getting extra pay at work, he responds right away.

Annie, maybe, deep down, my heart is saying that maybe he is a scammer and actually doesn't feel about me the way I'd hoped he would.

I get nostalgic looking back on how he treated me four months ago when we first started talking, and it's not the same. I've brought this up with him, but he just insists he's working to make a good life for us when I come.

[Creators]

Annie Lane rules that the letter writer's boyfriend is a scammer. "If you've completely moved on and are going to continue seeing other men, OK, fine," she writes. "But at least first give your husband the courtesy of a divorce — and don't give new suitors your credit card numbers, passwords, Social Security number, birthdate or other personal data." Read the rest of her answer.


Read our last week's column here.

Comments

  1. How does a "retired senior director of a large multimillion-dollar firm with two postgraduate degrees" who "...successfully managed hundreds of employees over the years" not know how to disagree without being disagreeable, nor offer advice with a little tact?

  2. John Doe 1 month ago

    to the SIL:

    "Sure, it's all yours. Give me back the split plus the increased value after my renovation work and a profit for all my hard work."

  3. Unknown 1 month ago

    "I have a forthright personality and am used to speaking my mind directly with family" translation: "I am a collossal arsehole with no regard to the feelings of others"

    1. John Doe 1 month ago

      "I am honest with people, and I won't lie to someone to protect their feelings."

      If that makes me the a-hole, so be it.

      1. Leslie Pollero 1 month ago

        Rest assured that no one who sees your ongoing commentary would imagine otherwise.


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