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Is It Prudish For Me To Complain About A DEI Trainer Who Frequently Brings Up Their Kink At My Office, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Is It Prudish For Me To Complain About A DEI Trainer Who Frequently Brings Up Their Kink At My Office?
The individual straight cises whom I work with are pretty nice for the most part. Still, people (mostly my boomer coworkers) often misgender other people (mostly the younger they/thems) at my office and bristle when corrected. This has led to hurt feelings all around and some trans workers leaving the organization. Clearly, trans staffers including me thought, We need some outside help. So we requested that a trainer, outside our org, be hired to do a cultural-competency training that would cover pronoun use. And though it took years of private cajoling and public shaming, we finally got what we wanted! Well, we kind of got it. As part of the approval process, the DEI consultants we work with had to pick the trainer, and wow, what a pick they made.
The trainer is an interesting person who belongs to many identity groups, including being trans, but more significantly identifies as being "kinky." Of course, I celebrate every time anyone but especially a trans person finds sexual gratification in this world. But their own kinkiness has come up a lot in this 101-level training on gender identity. We asked for an "intersectional perspective," but perhaps we should have specified the intersection.
For example: When addressing questions like "What should I say if someone misgenders my coworker?," this person's answers include that misgendering may be all right if it is part of sexual play. But why would any of us be doing "sexual play" with our coworkers in the workplace? This wasn't the guidance I was hoping for. Colleagues who knew I agitated for the training are texting me on the side like, "Can we talk about the kinky thing?" or "I am really confused how kinky is an identity like trans," or "They lost me with the kinky stuff" or "LGBTQ… K?" Sadly I more or less agreed and have begun spite-counting the hours I spent thinking about this issue and talking to people about it, which has grown to more than ten, for a thing that was supposed to be simple and actually make my work life easier. Like many people, being trans has made me believe in conspiracies, which raises the question: Did management intentionally pick this trainer in the hopes that this effort will fail, or create confusion that will then allow people to continue to use the wrong pronouns for the they/thems, because when they do they will be like "I thought you were into misgendering kinky style, as implied by the mandatory HR training?"
Maybe I should leave it alone. Am I just being prudish? Shouldn't I let this trainer bring their "whole self" to work? Still, trans people are often perceived as hyper-sexualized, so I think it matters what associations are made in our workplace. And on a more personal level, I don't want Sharon from accounting picturing me with whip cream and a cat-o'nine-tails because I include my pronouns in my email signature. It's opening a weird door at work that I would like to remain shut. Plus, if I were the trainer and people were confused by or mocking my lessons, I'd want to know for my own reputation and professional development. Is there a way to offer constructive, respectful feedback that would not be perceived as sex shaming? Should I "drop it in the chat" during the next training that we don't need to hear about their Feeld profile? Should I complain to the same bosses who I begged to set up the training in the first place? Is the lesson here never to ask for anything at work, to quietly stew in my own simmering resentment rather than take action? How very kinky!
[The Cut]
Emily Gould urges the letter writer to lobby their bosses to hire an in-house DEI manager to coordinate future trainings. "This person behaved completely inappropriately," she writes. "There's absolutely no need to bring up a Feeld profile or misgendering as part of sexual play in a DEI training unless the employees involved deal with these issues professionally in some way." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Give Into My Sister-In-Law's Demand That I Get A New Bridesmaid Dress At The Last Minute At My Own Expense?
I'm in my sister-in-law's wedding in three weeks. When she first selected her bridesmaids eight months ago, she sent all the websites for the dresses and said we could pick any dress that was a certain length, material, and color she selected. She said she'd like to know which we picked, but it wasn't for approval, she just wanted to know. I immediately let her know two I was going to order to determine which I preferred, and would return the other. I ordered the recommended four months out. I definitely liked one more than the other, so I let my SIL know which dress I was keeping, took it to get altered for length, and returned the other within the refund time frame. Yesterday, my SIL texted me saying someone else had selected the same dress as me and she didn't want any duplicates, so could I please swap and wear the other one I had ordered? I said, unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to since I'd already returned it and gotten my dress altered.
She lost it. She started yelling about how she just wanted everyone to be in a different dress and since I'd picked out two, it shouldn't be a problem for me to switch. I said if I still had both, I would switch, but that it wasn't an option anymore. She told me I needed to reorder the other dress to wear. I told her I would be glad to if she was going to pay for the dress and the rush production and shipping fee that would now be required and be OK with it just being pinned since there wouldn't be time to alter it. She told me if I couldn't get the dress, I didn't need to be involved in the wedding. I replied that I thought maybe that was for the best and that I'd just attend as a guest. She told me no, if I wasn't up there as a bridesmaid, I didn't need to be there at all. I know she's being ridiculous, but do I need to just give in to keep the family peace? I can afford the dress and fees, so that's not actually an issue.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris offers the letter writer a script for holding her ground with her sister-in-law. "Anyone who is inconsiderate enough to demand a swap and then move so quickly to threaten cutting you from bridesmaid duty and disinviting you altogether will eventually be a problem regardless," she writes. "Take this opportunity to set the tone for your relationship with her going forward." Read the rest of her answer.
Is There Any Way For My Girlfriend And I To Compromise Over My Need To Crack Frequent Jokes When We're Watching TV Together?
My girlfriend and I watch a lot of TV together to wind down from stressful jobs and trying to get ahead in our 20s. It's the only thing we fight about. We belong to the same gym, bike together and even game together smoothly. With TV, though, she wants to stop me from having fun and being myself.
Most shows are stupid, and we all know that, so I like to crack jokes. She hates this and says I'm ruining the shows for her.
I can't watch TV and not do this; it's unnatural for me, but she doesn't care. She doesn't see that she's ruining it for me by expecting me to just sit there like a dummy and watch in silence. Other girls I've dated have appreciated it and laughed along with me. I miss that.
This isn't something I want to break up over. Is there any compromise here?
Carolyn Hax counsels the letter writer to either stop making jokes, watch TV alone, or choose mutually with their girlfriend which shows they're allowed to talk through. "You're doing something she hates, justifying it, pitting her against 'other girls' and permission-shopping to keep her from being herself," she writes. "Is this how you treat everyone you care about?" Read the rest of her answer.
How Do I Tell My Boyfriend I'm Sick Of His Sister And Her Family Living With Us, Even Though I'm The One Who Moved In With Them?
I've been dating my boyfriend for the past year. I brought my pets and we moved in with him this past December. He's an amazing guy — the absolute best!
The issue arises with his house. He owns a three-bedroom house.
Last July his sister and her family moved in with him.
This took the total number of people from two adults, three cats and two dogs to four adults, six kids, three cats and two dogs.
My cats have reached their limits with the children and avoid them.
My dogs love to try to be around the kids but because one is a puppy, they complained and now my dogs regularly have to stay outside or in the garage.
I have absolutely HAD IT with this family.
I feel like my boyfriend and I have become prisoners in his house because there is constant drama and chaos.
When his sister's family has fights, we basically have to sit in our room, or in the garage (we ended up converting it to a bedroom) while they slam doors and stuff inside the house.
And if we even TRY to start to bring stuff up, it's World War III.
How do I tell my boyfriend I'm sick of how they take advantage of him and disrespect his house and belongings?
I get that they were there when I moved in, but I want them GONE, ASAP, but I don't want to be the bad guy!
Amy Dickinson advises the letter writer to move out. "You have framed this as an issue of them crowding you out, but you made a choice to move in when they were already there," she writes. "I point this out to emphasize the fact that you don't have a valid reason to put your foot down about this crowded house." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Move On After Falling In Love With My Boss, Who Didn't Reciprocate My Feelings And Asked Me To Stop Contacting Her?
I am a lesbian who recently experienced heartbreak by falling in love with my mentor and boss. I didn't want it to happen, but it did. The time we spent together was a balance of bliss and fear. My heart and soul feel that she feels the same way about me. I left my job because my feelings for her became so overwhelming, I could no longer cope.
She knows how I feel about her, and she has shown interest in me in the past. She is not gay, but I do know of straight women who have fallen in love with one woman in their lives. We have a 15-year age difference. That doesn't matter to me. I'm absolutely crazy about her. I dream about our Victorian home together and a beautiful garden and life. I want nothing else but to make her happy for the rest of her life, make her breakfast every morning and beautiful dinners every night.
We are no longer communicating, upon her request. I want to heal my heart and live my life. It's so hard to let go of her, but I know I should. On the other hand, something tells me I should wait for her. How can I move forward and find the love I deserve in this life?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren suggests counseling. "She was interested in you only as a friend and an employee," she writes. "Asking you to stop communicating with her was a strong message." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Do My Fat Friends Order Only One Entree At Dinner?
I have several friends who are morbidly obese. When we go out to dinner, they pretend to eat one entree like the rest of us. But we all know that for them to keep that kind of weight on, they must be consuming thousands more calories later. So, why pretend? Why don't they eat in restaurants like they do in real life?
Philip Galanes expresses sympathy for the letter writer's friends. "You don't say anything about the metabolisms or genetics of these friends," he writes. "Instead, you jump to 'othering' them as gluttons (whom you never actually observe eating gluttonously) and judge them as fakers for not ordering more." Read the rest of his answer.
