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Was It Legal For My Boss To Set Up An All-Staff Meeting With A Spiritualist To Address Negative Energy In The Company, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Was It Legal For My Boss To Set Up An All-Staff Meeting With A Spiritualist To Address Negative Energy In The Company?
I work at a small nonprofit and recently the employee with the longest institutional knowledge just left her position because of the years of abuse, micromanagement, and overwork she endured.
Now, the executive director is trying to set up an all-staff meeting with a "spiritualist" so that she can figure out why there has been so much negative energy in the building. Setting aside the issue that she will find any way to avoid responsibility for her bad behavior, I feel deeply offended that I'm being required to attend a consultation and a subsequent "cleansing." I don't have a connection with this sort of spiritual practice and it feels unethical to require staff attendance, but is it illegal?
Alison Green rules that it will be illegal if the executive director doesn't allow people to opt out of the meeting. "Legally, your employer cannot require you to participate in someone else's religious or spiritual ritual/observance/practice if it's contrary to your own bona fide religious beliefs or lack thereof," she writes. "Caveat: that law only applies to organizations with 15 or more employees, although some states have laws that kick in at lower numbers." Read the rest of her answer.
Would It Be Inappropriate Or Unreasonable For Me To Ask My Boyfriend To Pay Back The $3,128 I Lent Him?
Is it considered inappropriate or unreasonable if I request money back that my boyfriend borrowed? I know that there is a fine line between borrowing and giving, especially in a relationship. My boyfriend bought a car but then faced a layoff due to low profits at his workplace. Over a period of four months, I covered his car expenses -- $782 monthly. Although I offered proactively when he was struggling, I was under the impression that it was a loan since we did mention the word "borrowing" at the time. It has now been six months, and I have yet to receive repayment. I feel hesitant about bringing up the topic with him.
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole advises the letter writer to have a straightforward conversation with their boyfriend. "If he balks and says he thought you gave him the money, remind him that he asked to borrow it," she writes. "Also, tell him that you think the two of you should talk about finances and the future in a more direct way." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Apologize To My Daughter For Immediately Commenting On Her Appearance When Meeting After Eight Years Of Estrangement?
I need advice on how to reconnect with my formerly estranged daughter. The two of us fell out badly in 2016, when I could no longer bear watching her disastrous life choices play out and she could no longer stand hearing my views on those choices. I made a lot of bad choices myself when I was younger (resulting in me being a single mother with two jobs and debt), and it was awful watching her throw away opportunities I'd worked like a dog to get for her. (For example, she turned down a scholarship to study computer science to pursue an expensive digital art qualification instead, then racked up debt moving away instead of staying home to study, work, and save.) Our biggest fallout came when she announced her engagement to "Nick," a man with no job prospects and no ambition, who expressed that he would be content being a househusband and stay-at-home dad while my daughter essentially fully supported him.
When my daughter told me she was marrying this man with no degree but plenty of debt, I flat-out told her I would not pay for the wedding and did not approve. She screamed at me, and we did not talk again until this year, when she made contact over email to tell me she was pregnant and asked about reconnecting. I was excited about the idea and was cautiously happy about her pregnancy news since it seemed planned and she was not in the dire financial straits I had feared. When we met, however, things didn't go well. I was shocked when I saw her: She had put on weight (far more than pregnancy weight at this stage), got a bizarre and unflattering haircut that I cannot believe her job allows, and was covered in tattoos. I said something about her looking very different, and she immediately snapped at me that if I had nothing nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. I said I didn't appreciate her speaking to me as if I was a child. She stood up and left the cafe without touching her drink, barely two minutes after we'd sat down.
Now I am left wondering if it is worth taking another shot at reconnecting at all, since apparently, she will disappear at a hair-trigger of tension. I want to send her an email asking about what happened but have no idea what to say. I suspect she will want a groveling apology (she has demanded these in the past), which I have no intention of writing, but I do wish to speak with her and, obviously, meet my grandchild at some point! Do I owe her an apology for the surprised reaction to her appearance? If I send an email, how do I strike the balance of a placating tone, reaching out, and not over-apologizing for something extremely minor? I miss her badly, despite our difficulties.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris encourages the letter writer to apologize and offers her a script for doing so. "If the only relationship you're going to enjoy with your daughter is one in which you don't withhold any thoughts about her choices, her weight, or her approach to parenting and get to say whatever comes to your mind, you have the right to choose no relationship at all,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Ask My Mother-In-Law Who My Wife's Biological Father Is, Without Consulting My Wife About My Plan?
Ever since my wife was a girl, she was close to her stepfather, a lovely man who has now passed away. She always said he was her one and only father, and she had no interest in knowing who her biological father was. Recently, though, she hinted to me that she would like to know her biological father's identity. But time is running out: We are in our 60s and her mother is approaching 90. Her mother is a forceful woman, and she has always been frank that it was her intention to become a single mother. She never mentioned the biological father's name — not least because it was a badge of honor for my wife to proclaim that she had "only one dad." I intend to ask my mother-in-law who the man was, but I worry about upsetting the family narrative. Thoughts?
Philip Galanes urges the letter writer to talk to his wife about her feelings instead of confronting his mother-in-law. "Your role is to help your wife make the best decision for herself — not to make it for her," he writes. "I understand your concern that time is running out, but that's no excuse for rash — or possibly undermining — behavior." Read the rest of his answer.
Is It Better To Introduce My Bereaved Friends As 'The Widow X' Or 'The Relict X'?
Over the last few years, I have been introducing recently bereaved female relatives and friends as "the widow X." I was surprised to learn that this offends some people, so thought I might vary the introduction with an occasional "the relict X."
Which term do you think most women would prefer? In the case of a bereaved male, would the term "relicter" be appropriate? Thanks for any guidance you can offer.
[UExpress]
“Some guidance: Please stop annoying the bereaved by showing off your familiarity with defunct terms that identify them as leftovers,” reply Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin. That's the entirety of their answer, but read the rest of their column.
What's The Best Way To Comply With My Wife's Desire To Experience Our 3-Year-Old's First Airplane Flight?
My sister will earn her Ph.D. out-of-state this summer.
My wife and I have a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old.
Bringing the whole family would be too much for the one-year-old to handle.
I'd like to bring our older child, who is close with the graduating aunt.
My wife doesn't support the older child going with me because she wants to be there for that child's first airplane flight.
She acknowledges that this is a selfish desire.
Should we go as a family, despite the headaches that will come from flying with a baby, or should I go solo?
Amy Dickinson suggests taking the entire family only if the flight is direct and less than three hours long. “I have to admit that as someone who has flown — a lot — with my daughter when she was a baby and a toddler, and subsequently with many other children of varying ages, I don't see flying with a three-year-old as being the important and unmissable milestone your wife seems to perceive it to be,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
